Bad memories ... I miss you mom

Last night before I went to sleep, I started thinking about my mom. The horrible visions just cease to leave my brain ....

There I was sitting back in the small room of the Hospice facility. Across from me sat my moms good friend (Jeff) and next to me was my husband. The Hospice nurse came into the room to tell us "She doesn't have much longer". Jeff and I looked at each other wide eyed when suddenly they both turned to tears. The nurse gave my mom a syringe full of morphine in her mouth. My brother also made it to the room just in time to sit with us. My mom laid on the bed, I grabbed her left hand and rubbed it, Jeff grabbed her right hand and my brother sat by her face. We watched her chest rise and fall as the breaths began to slow. The feeling sickened me. We could see she was starting to struggle so my brother said "It's ok mom, you can go, we will be okay". I lost it, I began trying to suck back my tears, her hand was so cold by now. I just kept thinking "mom, I love you, mom, I love you". Her chest rose and fell one more time and then nothing .... I looked up at Jeff ... we just starred at each other. I thought "OMG, I can't do this" and I said to him "Is that it?" he said "I don't know"...then out of no where she took another breath...I couldn't hold it anymore, I screamed "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T DO THIS". I left the room and ran outside to the desert behind the hospital and sat on the ground and sobbed. Just a few steps behind me my husband followed and wrapped his arms around me. I put my hands on my belly while I sobbed, I could feel my baby moving around in my tummy (I was 5 1/2 months pregnant at that time). The hubby whispered to me "You have to be strong for our baby". But, I just had no strength ... it was over, my mom was gone. No more phone calls, no more hugs, no more I love you's, no more anything ... it was gone. I stood up and walked back into her room where Jeff and my brother still were. I looked at my mom, she laid there still and had left to be with the Lord. She had passed the very second I left to go into the desert. I look back and wished I had stayed by her side even though I had been by her side for 15 months during her battle. But that was it, she was gone. Now, I sit here almost 3 years later and it hurts the same, I still cry, I still long for her in my life. Who said time heals? Everyone needs their mom.

Last night, I was so exhausted but fell asleep with this in my mind. I had a dream of her .... we were at Macy's at PV Mall ... trying on bathing suits. She was of course picking out the most wild suits ever ... just as she always did. She wanted to pay for my stuff I had picked out. We were talking, smiling and just having a great day. I woke up, that was it.

I can't believe I now live to dream. Those are my phone calls to my mom ... dreams. Instead of picking up the phone to say "I love you mom", I now close my eyes and pray to God she answers her phone in heaven.

I miss you mom ... your stay was cut way too short.